Good Bye Blue Hill and a Love Letter

A second guest post from Natalie, the direct follow-up to the last post:

About 5 years ago, after a heartbreak so tremendous that it still brings me to tears more often than I would like to admit, I ran away to Europe. More correctly, I ran away IN Europe. I started running 1km a day, and within a few weeks was running up to 20km daily, with cross training every 7th day. I was counting the calories in my coffee and the gum I would chew while warming up. Giving my body only exactly what it needed to keep running. I would run down one side of a river in a small city in Germany and then back up the other side. I would run until my mind stopped working. Until all I could hear was my own breath and the blood rushing in my ears. All I could feel was my feet hitting the ground and my arms swinging rhythmically beside me. I would push until everything was gone. I would dream about running, it was all I would talk about, I would plan the next day’s run, the next weeks’ runs. For a few months it consumed me. It was an addiction, and I loved it. I loved having a place to focus all my energy.

I feel similarly now. I have not washed my hair in six days. I have not put makeup on in nearly 4 weeks. When I look in the mirror I don’t recognize myself. I am skinnier than I can ever remember being. I have lost 1/7th of my body weight in 4 weeks. The jeans that fit me snugly  a few short weeks ago hang off my hips. I am strong though. Probably stronger than I have ever been. My body has changed shape. I have muscles that don’t feel like my own. I have eaten 1 or maybe 2 meals a day for the past 4 weeks. I have worked a minimum of 13 hours a day. I have slept less than I have ever slept. The exhaustion is so overwhelming that I don’t have the energy to feel it.

I loose my mind completely in my work. In a silent kitchen, save the “behind” “hot” “backs” every few seconds, I know exactly what I need to do. I know every step, and how quickly it needs to be done. I know that I will always feel like it won’t get done in time, but I’ll always figure it out. I know I work hard and quickly. I keep 50 things in my mind at any given time. I have 10 timers in my head, and 100 things that need to be prioritized. I like how everyone is held to the same standards. There is no slacking off, or off days, or days off. You do each thing perfectly, and if you don’t, you do it again. There is no time for mistakes, or excuses. You are a spoke in a huge machine, and if you stop, everything stops. I thrive here. I like the order. Having so much to do, both physically and mentally, that all of the bad is kept out of my mind. I feel no anxiety. I feel no fear, or loneliness, or unhappiness. I am completely distracted, body and mind. And I like it. I like being so tired at the end of the day that I have no desire to watch TV or have a drink. I crawl into my bed at the end of the night, with barely enough energy to brush my teeth. I forget that I am hungry, I forget that I am lonely, I forget all anxiety. Consumed by the thought of sleep.

On being back the number one question I have been asked is if I enjoyed my time. I didn’t. I learned, and I grew as a person and as a chef. I have learned that I am a much more competent cook than I thought I was. I learned to trust myself. I learned how to maneuver in a large kitchen. I learned vocabulary and technical skills, and about ticketing and how to scrub cast-iron pans REALLLY well. I learned how far I can push myself and how strong I really am. I am extremely grateful for the experience, and very happy I did it. But this is because I learned about what I never want in my future as a chef, and I remembered how lucky I am to work where I do.

FieldGuide has more passionate people then there are in the entire 100 person staff at BlueHill. At my job in a small restaurant on the East Coast of Canada, I am surrounded by people who love what they do, and are supported in that. People who think, and push, and want to grow. Exceptionally talented chefs, and bar tenders, and servers, but also extraordinary people. People who care enough about what they do to let me leave for a whole month, while they picked up extra shifts and trained people to fill in for me, so that I would be a better chef when I came home. I get to go to work every day and love what I do. I get paid well, and am surrounded by my best friends. I am respected, and heard, and allowed to grow. I really feel as though I am in love with my workplace. I think I am a better person for having worked there, and distance has made the heart grow fonder. Everything feels easier since I came home, but I don’t know if it is because I’ve become better as a cook, or because I’m so grateful for what I have.

Thank you to my mom and dad for supporting me, I would not have done it without you. 

Thank you to Ceilidh, Dan, Justin, Ashley, Marc, Katie, Adam and Emily. I am so lucky to have found my second family. You are so good at what you do, and I love you.

Thank you to the staff and BHSB, for teaching me, and pushing me, and scaring the shit out of me. You all work way too hard.

——————- End of Guest Post ——————-

And I (impressed Mama Dorothée) thank Fieldguide owners Dan Vorstermans and Ceilidh Sutherland and their amazing crew for nurturing everything good and wholesome in my daughter!